peace please

mortal muses musing-PEACE

I haven't written a personal post for quite a while, which is how my blog started out really, all emotions and pain. Two days ago was the first anniversary of my Fathers death and today my Brother and Mother went to fetch his ashes and bring them home for Christmas. Four days ago my ten year relationship ended and I am now back in my Fathers house, I've come home for Christmas too.
It hurts, it all hurts so so much and there is no need for me to try and make light of it or to make it funny, I'm afraid this is a post of utter sadness. I promised myself I would always be real on here and four days before Christmas this is as much reality as I can give. Sometimes events unfold in such a way that you cannot believe that the universe can be so cruel. It was my daughters 16th birthday on dads anniversary too. She had agonised over how we would combine the two and she decided we would go on a shopping trip to meet up with family from afar during the day and come home in time for dinner in the evening. We would mark the moment dad died at 7pm with a Chinese lantern. On the day, I pulled all my motherly strength together and despite my enormous break up pain and pushing grief to the back of my mind, I determined to give her the best 16th Birthday I possibly could under the circumstances.But it wasn't to be. The shopping trip was a disaster, a totally out of the blue argument developed between some family members which ended the trip and distressed my daughter. We decided the best thing to do would be to come home so we began the long drive home, on which we witnessed two serious car accidents and were involved in calling the emergency vehicles for a third horrific one. My poor poor baby. I honestly began to wonder what evil was causing all this! I dropped her back at the house that was my home less than a week ago and went back to my Fathers house to sleep in the room where he spent his last tortured years before he was forced to leave. Its unbelievable how life can turn on a heartbeat, for my children and I, for those poor people in the crashes and of course for my poor old dad.
Last year his death was a relief from the month of half life, half death that he endured after an operation, in which his body slowly gave up, exhausted from years of Parkinson's Disease. I doubt anyone would wish that on a soul and we said goodbye in a trance of acceptance that for him it was a release and in some ways for us too. But this year it is just death, death that happened to someone we loved and we could do nothing to stop it. This year there is no relief only sorrow and a huge hole where he used to be. I don't know what will happen in my life now but the universe has swirled around again over the last couple of days and I have been receiving job offers.Re-offers for jobs I interviewed for a few weeks ago, jobs that I really desperately needed and didn't get. Then a friend called to say that a photographer she knows is looking for an assistant and an Art Gallery in New York has sent me an e-mail that they are interested in showing my work. Its unreal how life can be and for me it always happens at Christmas. Next year I'm hibernating right through it. Next year my wish is for Peace of Mind, this year I have lived in a financial and emotional mess and I'm exhausted. I'm hiding out over Christmas and doing a lot of deep thinking , I hope to find Peace and a way forward in 2012 what ever that will be. I wish everyone Peace and happiness.