connection

so what is the connection between grief and photography? for me its all connected in the moments that matter, the little glimpses of magic that you capture in a picture 'the essence of life' to be corny. in these moments, when i see something that captures me, i want to get that image that i'm seeing as it proves it was there and that i felt it. that i was alive and felt the fullest part of an emotion while i saw it and captured it on my camera. to look at the many pictures on the screen when i load my card into the laptop and see one that is perfect is thrilling and thats it too. to create something that i feel is perfect, the best it can be, doesn't get any better. i love that.

both my relatives got sick years ago when i was in my early twenties and it changed me, changed my path. suddenly having a family became so important. i felt a great need to get on with making my own children so that my dad and grandma could take part in their lives and be part of me having them and for my children to know two people that had played such a huge happy part in my childhood.

theres been the worry of them both at the back of my mind for most of my adult life and its very strange to think neither of them are here now. i'm still worrying about them, worrying about their death but time will change that and i will accept how their lives where and in tern how it affected mine.

as well as my decision to have a family and experience the magic of children, it changed me so much in other ways, in that i'm always searching for those meaningful moments of magic and the things that thrill and move me outside of my family too.

pictures/images and music are my main drug for feeding that need now. i've enjoyed searching for images i like for years and lately feel such a need to capture my own. i've tried for the last two years with paintings and drawings and have sold well but still photography gets me out of bed in the morning faster than paint and brushes do.

i feel connected to something when i'm taking photographs, like i'm living, like what i'm doing means something and i guess what i'm doing is cheating death or illness myself. heart attacks or disease aren't catching me whilst i'm creating something magic because hey look at me i've done it and you haven't stopped me.

I have a new acquaintance with a brain tumour, hes a professional man who in spare time is a life model. a strange thing for a doctor to want to do, take his clothes off in front of a group of people but he said to me that he doesn't know how long hes going to be here and he wants to leave something behind, artists images of him. you can hear him saying its not beating me too because look at all these images of me that are being produced and will still be here when i'm gone.

it occurs to me that that might be a part of what i'm doing by creating images also. a smaller part though because generally after i've produced something i often don't look at it again for some time and i don't feel a particular need to have others approval of my work so i suspect its all about the process of creating, being able to and the thrill it gives me when i do.